Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Happy belated Valentine’s Day.
It is a day many people celebrate love, even those who may not yet know or love themselves. And that raises an important question:
Yes love yourself, but who is the “self” in self-love?
Who are we when we are single?
And who is the “self” when we’re married with children?
I posed this question in our group and received a mixture of responses. What is your response?
When Love Becomes Comparison
I remember a friend, she has since passed away, who used to ask me every year, “What did you get for Valentine’s Day?”
One year I told her, “Chocolate and flowers.”
She responded, “Just that?”
At the time, I was perfectly content. I loved chocolate. I loved fresh flowers. It was thoughtful and meaningful to me.
But somewhere along the way, many of us began to believe that if a gift is not flashy enough, it must not be sincere. That question, “Just that?” could easily have planted dissatisfaction. It could have caused comparison. I could have question whether what I had was enough.
It didn’t work then.
Yet as I reflect over my life, I can see how this pattern shows up repeatedly. I have even been the person to ask a similar question. Sometimes people project their dissatisfaction onto our lives. If we are not careful, we take the bait. We begin comparing and questioning. We begin losing sight of who we are.
And that is where self-love becomes essential.
What is self-love?
Self-love, some call it self-care, is about appreciating ourselves through actions that support our physical, mental, emotional, relational, financial, and spiritual well-being.
It is more than bubble baths and face masks, although those are wonderful. It includes:
- Strengthening our spiritual foundation
- Growing mentally and emotionally
- Nurturing the right relationships
- Planning for our financial future
- Resting and enjoying recreation
But before we can truly love ourselves, we must know ourselves.
If I asked you, “Who are you?” you might respond with your name and your profession. But we are more than labels. More than roles. More than achievements.
When we want to understand a product, what do we do? We look for the manufacturer’s manual or we may google it.
As a believer, the starting point for understanding humanity is found in the Bible. It says in Genesis 1:27 that humanity was created in the image of God. But isn’t it men who wrote the Bible why should we believe? In 2 Timothy 3:16–17, scripture is described as useful for teaching and guidance.
For believers, knowing the Creator helps us understand who we are. Over time, we begin to recognize our strengths or gifts, weaknesses, natural abilities, personality, passions, and purpose.
But what if someone does not believe in God?
Is There Another Way?
Psychology often teaches that we are composed of body and mind. Yet even within psychology, there is strong emphasis on “core values.”
Core values are deeply ingrained beliefs that guide decisions and shape behavior. They define identity and they are spiritual.
Interestingly, when you compare common psychological core values, kindness, compassion, integrity, growth, you will find they closely mirror the characteristics exhibited by Jesus Christ in the New Testament: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, these are also called the fruit of the spirit.
Whether one approaches this from a Biblical standpoint or from psychology, the principle remains:
However, psychology will also tell us we need to choose five or less core values to live by. I call these the right core values, kindness, forgiveness, compassion, family/community, and growth. They are the values Jesus modelled while He was on earth.
When we live aligned with these right values, we find ourselves.
When we live by fear, comparison, or materialism, we lose ourselves.
Understanding the Whole Self
I love to grow, if I am not careful I will overwork, or leave others behind. Therefore, it was important for me to figure this out. We are complex beings with a spirit, soul (some call it the heart), and body, not just a mind and body (brain). To thrive, growth must be holistic.
Here are areas to consider:
1. Spiritual Well-Being
For believers, spiritual alignment begins with God. 3 John 1:2 speaks of prospering and being in health as the soul prospers. Spiritual growth often influences every other area of life.
2. Physical Well-Being
Exercise, nutrition, rest, sunlight, and care for our bodies matter. We are not just minds, we inhabit physical bodies that require attention.
3. Mental Well-Being
Learning and intellectual growth are important. But so is balance. What are we feeding our minds? Are we aligned with our deeper structure and values?
4. Emotional Well-Being
Emotions should not be ignored nor allowed to dominate. Therapy, coaching, reading healing literature, listening to empowering talks, and learning emotional regulation can help us grow.
5. The Will
We have free will and we make choices daily. In John 14:6, Jesus says He is “the way, the truth, and the life.” Whether one interprets that spiritually or symbolically, it highlights intentional choice. We must choose the direction of our lives. What will we choose?
6. Relational Well-Being
Healthy relationships are built on shared values. No one is perfect, but we can choose relationships that support who we are becoming.
7. Financial Well-Being
Financial stability is not merely about earning more money. It is about wise stewardship, making informed decisions, and ensuring money supports purpose, not replaces it.
8. Recreational Well-Being
Rest is not laziness. It is necessary. Even in scripture, God rests. Passion, creativity, and enjoyment are part of a full life.
Who Is the “Self” in Marriage and Parenthood?
When we are single, the “self” may seem easier to define.
When we are married with children, roles multiply: spouse, parent, provider, nurturer, leader.
But the “self” is not erased by marriage. It is not dissolved by motherhood or fatherhood. The authentic self is the structure underneath the roles, the values, the identity, the calling.
If we abandon that core self, we eventually feel resentment, exhaustion, or emptiness. Dissatisfaction.
Loving ourselves in marriage and family life does not mean selfishness. It means remaining aligned with our values so we can show up whole for those we love.
Final Reflection
Valentine’s Day will come and go each year.
Flowers will fade. We will eat our Chocolate.
But the deeper question remains:
Do we know who we are?
Are we living aligned with our core values? Are we moving from a place of love or fear, growth or comparison?
Whether we find our answers through the Bible, through psychology, or through a combination of both, the principle is the same:
When we truly know ourselves and live aligned with truth and right core values, we experience real love, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.
So I ask again:
Who are you? And are you loving yourself?
Are We Ready?
When we truly know ourselves and live aligned with our values, we gain the capacity to love others well and even put their needs before our own without losing who we are.
But in a fast-paced world filled with constant demands, distractions, and expectations, intentionally growing and staying aligned can feel overwhelming.
You do not have to navigate that journey alone.
If you are ready to grow with clarity, deepen your self-awareness, and live in alignment with your core values, consider partnering with a Consultant and Life Coach who shares those values, have walked the path, and can walk alongside you with structure, strategy, and support.
Transformation is possible. Are you ready to begin?
With gratitude and growth,
Sanchia and team.
Audio
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Video Version
Please watch and reflect on the video version of Be Still And Grow: Prioritizing Self-love.