I wrote this post for Valentine’s Day, however it is relevant throughout the year for anyone who wants to grow intentionally. Growing intentionally is self-love some call it self-care.
We say we love ourselves, but who is the “self” in self-love?
Who are we when we are single?
And who is the “self” when we’re married with children?
What is self-love?
Self-love, some call it self-care, is about appreciating ourselves through actions that support our physical, mental, emotional, relational, financial, and spiritual well-being.
It is more than bubble baths and face masks, although those are wonderful. It includes:
- Strengthening our spiritual foundation
- Growing mentally and emotionally
- Nurturing the right relationships
- Planning for our financial future
- Resting and enjoying recreation
But before we can truly love ourselves, we must know ourselves.
If I asked you, “Who are you?” you might respond with your name and your profession. But we are more than labels. More than roles. More than achievements.
When we want to understand a product, what do we do? We look for the manufacturer’s manual or we may google it.
As a believer, the starting point for understanding “who we are” is found in the Bible. It says in Genesis 1:27 that man was created in the image of God. But isn’t it men who wrote the Bible, why should we believe? In 2 Timothy 3:16–17, scripture is described as useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.
For believers, knowing the Creator helps us understand who we are. Over time, we begin to recognize our strengths or gifts, weaknesses, natural abilities, personality, passions, and purpose.
But what if someone does not believe in God?
Is There Another Way?
Psychology often teaches that we are composed of body and mind. Yet even within psychology, there is strong emphasis on “core values.”
Core values are deeply ingrained beliefs that guide decisions and shape behavior. They define identity and they are spiritual.
Interestingly, when you compare common psychological core values, kindness, compassion, integrity, growth, you will find they closely mirror the characteristics exhibited by Jesus Christ in the New Testament: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, these are also called the fruit of the spirit.
Whether one approaches this from a Biblical standpoint or from psychology, the principle remains:
However, psychology will also tell us we need to choose five or less core values to live by. I call these the right core values, kindness, forgiveness, compassion, family/community, and growth. They are the values Jesus modelled while He was on earth and demonstrated on the cross. Three of those five values is love in action.
When we live aligned with these right values, we find ourselves.
When we live by fear, comparison, or materialism (money), we lose ourselves.
Understanding And Growing The Whole Self
I love to grow, if I am not careful I will overwork, or leave others behind. Growth was my number one value for a long time, but was I being kind to myself or others? We are complex beings with a spirit, soul (some call it the heart), and body, not just a mind and body (brain). To thrive, growth must be holistic.
Here are the areas to consider:
1. Spiritual Well-Being
For believers, spiritual alignment begins with God. 3 John 1:2 speaks of prospering and being in health as the soul prospers. Spiritual growth often influences every other area of life.
2. Physical Well-Being
Exercise, nutrition, rest, sunlight, and care for our bodies matter. We are not just minds, we inhabit physical bodies that require attention.
3. Mental Well-Being
Learning and intellectual growth are important. But so is balance. What are we feeding our minds? Are we aligned with our deeper structure and values?
4. Emotional Well-Being
Emotions should not be ignored nor allowed to dominate. Therapy, coaching, reading healing literature, listening to empowering talks, and learning emotional regulation help navigate uncertainty and grow.
5. The Will
We have free will and we make choices daily. In John 14:6, Jesus says He is “the way, the truth, and the life.” Whether one interprets that spiritually or symbolically, it highlights intentional choice. We must choose the direction of our lives. What will we choose?
6. Relational Well-Being
Healthy relationships are built on shared values. No one is perfect, but we can choose relationships that support who we are becoming. Sometimes, we need to become the change we want to see.
7. Financial Well-Being
Financial stability is not merely about earning more money. It is about wise stewardship, making informed decisions, and ensuring money supports purpose, not replaces it.
8. Recreational Well-Being
Rest is not laziness. It is necessary. Even in scripture, God rests. Passion, creativity, and enjoyment are part of a full life.
Knowing and Growing the “Self” in Marriage and Parenthood
When we are single, the “self” is easier to define.
When we are married with children, roles multiply: spouse, parent, provider, nurturer, leader.
But the “self” is not erased by marriage. It is not dissolved by motherhood or fatherhood. The authentic self is the structure underneath the roles, the values, the identity, the calling, and the assignments.
If we abandon that core self, we eventually feel resentment, exhaustion, or emptiness. Dissatisfaction.
Knowing and Growing the Children
Do we leave our children solely to the educational system to shape and develop who they are meant to be, or do we actively play our role?
Do we truly know them?
Their strengths, natural abilities, passions, and personalities?
And does a traditional school system work well for every child?
This is why it begins with us—the adults.
Self-love, when understood as knowing and growing the whole self—is not just personal. It is generational.
When we know ourselves and grow intentionally across the spiritual, mental, emotional, relational, and other areas of our lives, we become better equipped to guide those entrusted to us. Children don’t simply follow instruction, they reflect what is modeled. They live what they see, especially when what they are experiencing is aligned with what they want or love.
Our children carry unique tendencies, gifts, and ways of engaging with the world. We provide the tools, guidance, and environment that draw out those strengths and nurture their natural abilities.
Yes, our children attend traditional schools, where they develop fundamental skills. But as parents, we are responsible for building a deeper foundation at home, one rooted in the right values.
When we model self-awareness, intentional growth, and alignment with our core values, we are not only loving ourselves well, we are teaching our children how to do the same.
In this way, self-love becomes more than an individual practice.
It becomes a legacy.
Final Reflection
Loving ourselves in marriage and family life does not mean selfishness. It means remaining aligned with our values so we can show up and grow whole for those we love, our children, when it applies, and the people we are connected to.
Valentine’s Day came and went like any other day.
Flowers have faded. We ate our chocolate.
But the deeper question remains:
Do we know who we are?
Are we living aligned with our core values? Are we moving from a place of love or fear, growth or stagnation?
Whether we find our answers through the Bible, through psychology, or through a combination of both, the principle is the same:
When we truly know ourselves and live aligned with truth and right core values, we experience and give real love, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.
So I ask again:
Who are you? Are you loving yourself?
Are We Ready?
When we truly know ourselves and live aligned with our values, we gain the capacity to love others well and even put their needs before our own without losing who we are.
But in a fast-paced world filled with constant demands, distractions, and expectations, intentionally growing and staying aligned can feel overwhelming.
You do not have to navigate that journey alone.
If you are ready to grow with clarity, deepen your self-awareness, and live in alignment with your core values, consider partnering with a Consultant and Life Coach who shares those values, have walked the path, and can walk alongside you with structure, strategy, and support.
Transformation is possible. Are you ready to begin?
With gratitude and growth,
Sanchia and team.
Audio
Please listen the audio version of Prioritizing Self-love.
Video Version
Please watch and reflect on the video version of Be Still And Grow: Prioritizing Self-love.